The Leadership Mistake That Looks Like Help
When your overreach shows up as busy work, there are concrete ways to spot it: your calendar, your task list, the meetings you keep inserting yourself into.
But some of the most dangerous overreach doesn’t look like work at all.
I see many CEOs and founders who seem focused on the right things—vision, goals, strategy—and yet carry a persistent exhaustion they can’t explain.
One of the quietest forms of overreach happens when leaders take on their team’s internal work themselves.
This happens when someone isn’t meeting your expectations. You want to offer support and protect the company, but instead of addressing the gap directly, you turn the responsibility back on yourself:
Maybe I’m not giving enough context. Maybe I need to coach them differently.
This is when “I’m helping” sounds the most convincing. Because it is your job to provide context, direction, and support.
But growing for someone is not the same as supporting someone’s growth.
Once you’ve set up the foundation for success, how they show up is theirs.
Managing a misaligned team member can work for a surprisingly long time, especially in a small company. But you can’t outwork misalignment, and you can’t scale around it.
The Risk of “I’m Just Helping”
I worked with a founder who had been struggling with one of her leaders for a long time.
She could clearly articulate her specific frustrations. She knew where he fell short. But every time we discussed it, she turned the responsibility back on herself: If I could just coach him better … explain it more clearly … give him more context.
She wanted to believe that with enough effort, she could train him into being a more strategic and proactive leader.
That belief kept the problem in her control.
It felt easier and safer to change her own leadership than to face that this person might not be right. She liked him, had already invested so much effort, and at times he seemed so close.
But “helping” meant she wasn’t actually doing her job.
Taking on his growth as her responsibility—figuring out what she needed to change—meant she never stopped to offer him clear and honest feedback.
When we do this, we don’t give our people the chance to see their own work clearly. And we don’t give ourselves the chance to decide whether they are willing or able to step into their role.
You Define the Standard. They Choose Whether to Meet It.
Your responsibility is to define standards and create the conditions for success.
Your team’s responsibility is whether or not they meet them.
In practice, this line can be hard to see.
Strong leaders are reflective. They regularly check in on whether they’re providing enough clarity and support. When that habit turns into carrying someone else’s growth, it can be difficult to catch.
One clear indicator is how much mental space a team member takes up.
If you’re thinking about their work more than they are—anticipating problems they should catch, holding context they should carry, or articulating their gaps and next steps more clearly than they can—something has shifted.
If you’re exhausted from rehearsing scenarios, replaying conversations, or searching for a new way to say the same thing so it finally lands, you’re spending too much time in their head, and not enough time in your role.
You’re responsible for the external conditions:
making roles and expectations clear
clearing the path so people can do their job
sharing honest, direct feedback
Once expectations are set, how someone shows up is their decision.
You cannot teach ownership, courage, or desire. You cannot make someone grow, learn, or change.
This is where many leaders get stuck, especially when someone is smart, well-liked, or “almost there.” You keep investing because it feels rational, and the alternative feels harsh.
Getting Clear on Your Limits
The best thing you can do for someone who consistently feels mismatched is get clear on where they aren’t meeting your standards.
Ask: “What would it look like if this person was doing better?”
Or try to think back on a time when their work was meeting your expectations.
These questions force you to get specific about where the gap actually is. From there, it’s clearer whether closing that gap lands on you or them.
When I asked the CEO from earlier this question, she started naming what she truly wanted: initiative, ownership, leadership presence. It became clear that much of it wasn’t trainable.
You can also ask direct questions to the team:
“Are you doing the best work of your life here?”
Or even more simply: “Do you want this?”
This can feel intense, but these questions aren’t meant to shame or reprimand. They should be asked with honesty and curiosity.
“No” is a great answer. It gets you both on the same page.
These questions return you to your actual responsibility: evaluating what is and isn’t working in the company and deciding the next step.
Putting It All Together
Exhaustion is information.
It’s not something to push through. It’s an arrow that’s trying to point you back toward your actual role.
When exhaustion shows up without a clear cause, it’s often a sign that your responsibilities have quietly expanded beyond your job.
When that happens, pause and ask yourself:
What am I holding that someone else should be holding?
Where am I compensating instead of setting a clear standard?
Where am I overworking instead of offering direct feedback?
Mastering where your responsibility ends and theirs begins is crucial to building a resilient, scalable company.
When responsibility moves back to where it belongs work gets lighter and your team gets stronger.
See you next week! 👑
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